neighborhood watering holes to intergalactic pubs, we’d like to order a few
rounds in any of these TV bars.

We like bars. And we like TV. So
naturally we daydream about what it’d be like to get a few rounds at some of our
favorite TV bars. From pubs with loose waitresses, taverns where drunks pass out
regularly on the bar counter, and establishments that turn a blind eye when a
Jedi Knight lops off a patron’s arm with a lightsaber, here are the TV bars we
wish existed.

Paddy’s Pub | It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

It might have been crowned Philadelphia’s worst bar, but crappy service,
sketchy customers, an even sketchier neighborhood, and assh*ole owners wouldn’t
keep us out of Paddy’s Pub. Why? 1) Dee the waitress is semi-cute, extremely
desperate, and oh-so easy. 2) We’ll ignore illegal activity; Paddy’s has been
used as a gun range, gambling parlor, and sweat shop. 3) The staff doubles as
the bar’s best customers, so on a good day, Dee, Mac, Frank, Charlie, and Dennis
will get blackout drunk and forget we had a tab running.

Moe’s Tavern | The Simpsons
The only bar in Springfield doesn’t
have much to boast about: drab interior, a bar counter thats’s allegedly never
been cleaned, and a color TV so filthy the picture is black and white. There’s
also Moe Syzlak, the bar’s owner/bartender, who has a vulgar mouth and terrible
customer service skills. But sometimes that’s we’re looking for in a dive, and
Moe’s low-key atmosphere, uncomfortable barstools, and pints of Duff Beer that
are no doubt served in dirty glasses still seems like a good time to us.


MacLaren’s Pub | How I Met Your Mother
A casual atmosphere
with dim lighting, a menu with 11 deep-fried appetizers, and sexy waitresses
Wendy and Katrina make McLaren’s a go-to for an after-work cocktail. While there
seems to be an endless influx of attractive women at MacLaren’s, don’t hesitate
if you spot a female you’re interested in talking to. Womanizing regular Barney
Stinson is notorious for swooping in on other peoples’ future ex-mistress with
relative ease.

The Snakehole Lounge | Parks and Recreation
The self-proclaimed
“world’s sickest nightclub” resides exactly where you’d expect — in Pawnee,
Indiana, 90 miles from Indianapolis. Okay, so it’s a little out of the way, but
signature cocktails like “Sweetums Fizz,” “Medusa’s Revenge,” and “*SnakeJuice,”
an occasional celebrity sighting of former NBA star player Detlef Schrempf, and
a dress code asking women to “Google Tara Reid 1999 with the Safe Search turned
off” makes hitting The Hole a must for anyone whose car breaks down in
Pawnee.

*SnakeJuice has been known to get people incredibly hammered and
leave them with the nastiest hangover ever. Drink at your own risk.


The Jiggly Room | Married … with Children
We know Al Bundy is
a loser who sold women’s shoes, but the guy had it right when it came to blowing
off steam. Like it does for many men, a visit to the topless bar can supply a
smile and hard on that’ll temporarily relieve everyday stresses. Sure, the
Jiggly Room is a second-rate strip joint with tacky desert theme and decorations
far gaudier than any of Peggy Bundy’s outfits, but the dancers were sort of
attractive (except for the one in pink). And isn’t that the only scenery that
truly matters at a strip club?

In Al’s words: “While the nudie bar may
seem like a place for men to sit and watch surgically altered hooters sway oddly
to bad music, it’s simply a place to relax, unwind and … watch surgically
altered hooters sway oddly to bad music.”

The Drunken Clam | Family Guy
From the name, you might get the
impression that you’ll find loose woman at the Clam. Not exactly. There might be
an occasional Lois Griffin sighting, but her husband Peter has that on lockdown.
However, what you will find at Quahog’s local bar is a sweet neon sign, an
endless flow of Pawtucket Patriot Ale, and a talking dog. What more could you
want?

Cheers | Cheers
The fact that everyone knows the patrons’
names at Cheers isn’t enticing. In fact, we’d rather our depressing drinking
habits remain hidden from people who know us. Yet Cheers has a friendly
atmosphere and plenty of seats at the bar, which make for a good location to
down a Sam Adams and watch a Red Sox game. And since the dudes who ran it were a
former Red Sox pitcher and an ex-Sox coach, the in-game commentary would be much
more insightful than listening to a generic Sox fan prattle on in an awful New
England accent about how Boston is so much better than New York. Lastly, Cheers
owner Rebecca Howe was played by a youthful Kirstie Alley. You know, when
Kirstie was — gasp — thin and hot, and not the trans-fat monster we’ve come to
know

Mos Eisley Cantina | Star Wars Holiday Special
The Chalmun’s
Cantina — better known as the Mos Eisley Cantina — is a watering hole filled
with space riffraff and hooligan pilots. You’ll remember it as the joint where
Obi-Wan Kenobi sliced off some alien’s arm in Star Wars Episode IV: A New
Hope.

But that’s the movies; in the Star Wars Holiday Special, the
made-for-TV abomination that Star Wars creator George Lucas wishes he could
forget, the Cantina is run by a character played by … Bea Arthur! While the
joint is still a “wretched hive of scum and villainy,” the new management must
have pulled a Dalton from Road House to keep guests in line; the manager even
breaks into song when it’s time for them to leave. (Seriously.) The Cantina’s
crowds would become a problem, but getting there early and snagging a booth, or
posting up at the bar or one of the free-standing tables would be ideal for
sipping a drink and scoping out all the freaks.

USS Enterprise-D Ten
Forward | Star Trek: The Next Generation
Patrolling space for bad guys
can be stressful … and boring as hell. To keep the crew from going all Romulan
on everybody’s ass, the Ten Forward was built. Get sloshed while chewing the fat
with Guinan the bartender, play a few hands of poker, or test your skills in
Tri-D chess.

The Regal Beagle | Three’s Company
There was
nothing special about the decor, food, or drink menu at the Regal Beagle, but it
was the swingin’ 70s in Southern California. And that meant you were pretty much
guaranteed to leave the Beagle with a hot chick on your arm. And if you hung
around Jack Tripper, your odds at scoring went up. Tripper was a ladies man, but
he was also a goofball and a klutz. So your best bet would be to let Jack and
his buddy Larry — a used car salesman who would tell women he was a doctor or
photographer for Playboy — get the introductions out of the way, wait for Jack
to fall over or spill his drink, and then go in for the steal. And for the
record, any woman we’d take home would have to possess thighs as toned as a
young Suzanne Somers.