AIN'T IT THE TRUTH! haha

1. Shmoopy Makeout Couple. Either the guy is behind   her with his arms wrapped around her waist or standing next to her with his   arm around her waist. They intermittently sway, and kiss, sway and kiss, sway   and kiss, until you want to kill them.

2. Pretends To Know The Lyrics. They’re singing   along with every song, but upon closer scrutiny, you discover that they’re   lips don’t match the words and their knowledge of the music is all a ruse.   A ruse!

3. Having The Best Night Ever. You’ve seen   this person. In the first row. Drenched in sweat. Weeping tears of joy. Shrieking   at the top of his/her lungs. None of this behavior drug-induced. They truly   are having the very best night of their entire life.

4. Messed Up On Drugs. Make no mistake, this person   is not at the concert for the music. The concert is just an excuse to use drugs.   The minute they arrive (maybe even before they arrive) they’re lighting   their spliff/dropping that molly/snorting their whatever. You may run into them   rolling in the grass, thinking they are a carrot or something.

5. Whirling Dervish Dancer. Hands in the air, swirling   and circling, slow and sensual or fast and furious, eyes closed. Otherwise known   as the “whirling dervish,” the preferred dance of the Sufi mystics.   There’s always one at every concert. Doesn’t matter what the music   genre. I saw one at a Rage Against The Machine concert.

6. Air conductor. A close relative of the Whirling   Dervish Dancer, the Air Conductor mistakenly thinks that they are the puppet   master of of the entire operation, conducting each note, each rest, each lick   with a wave of their hands.

7. 30-Something Sitter. Sitting during a concert?   Are you for real?

8. First Pumper/Cheerser. There’s always one   bro (or thousands) who fist pump through the set and/or try to cheers strangers.   I happened to be sitting next to him the other night. Poor me.

9. Unimpressed Person. If you’re paying for   a ticket, you might as well muster up some modicum of excitement. I’m sorry,   but you can’t be that unimpressed by The Pixies.

10. Snack Getter. Really, all this person is concerned   with is making sure everyone in their party is all set with snacks and drinks.   Incidentally, they tend to end up missing the show.

11. Pre-Gamer. This doofus drank soooo much during   the opening act, that he or she is passed out in a pool of his/her own vomit   way before the headliner goes on.

12. Bored Parent. You have to respect the parent   who took one for the team and accompanied their kid to the show. Nine times   out of 10 they look distressed and/or are dozing off. Hopefully they remembered   to bring earplugs!

13. Overly-Enthusiastic Parent. As opposed to the   Bored Parent, the Overly-Enthusiastic Parent pretends to love the music so their   kid will love them more. Sadly, they end up coming off as desperate or pathetic   or creepy.

14. Avid Texter/Filmer. Put your phone away and   watch the show, person who texts or films the entire time!

15. Injured Person. They have to be carried out   on a stretcher before the opening act goes on because they slipped in a puddle   of beer or threw out their kneecap in a mosh pit. And not just this once. Every   time they go to a concert. Whatever you do, make sure they are not your designated   driver. I missed a Violent Femmes concert once because I made this mistake.

16. Leaves Before The Encore. They care more about   “beating the crowd” than hearing their favorite band do some mind-blowing   never-before-heard medley. Whatever, judge me if you want. I hate traffic.